Only the Lonely

Only the lonely (know the way I feel).   -- Roy Orbison

Beginning about eight or nine months ago, I began to write about loneliness.  For the first time ever, I think.  But even if not the first time, it's still relatively new to me.   I was always the one who didn't need any help -- in my personal life, that is.  At work, in stark contrast, I always knew and preached the importance of the team, the village, the relationships.

But in my personal life, I didn't think I needed anyone -- I could be all alone, but not lonely.  Until.

Over five years ago now, I must have experienced my first brush with loneliness when I spilled my guts to Curt B at McKeever's and he invited me in.  To community.  To a band of brothers.  Which probably saved me then.  Restored me to myself even.  Beautiful.  Resisted, at first; then, welcomed.  Then, enjoyed.

So why did I face into loneliness last Christmas season?  And why do I dread it again this fall and winter?  Once conquered, isn't it always defeated?  This is the question I asked Curt T (a different Curt, an MD) a week or two ago.  And his reply:  it's science.  Once you opened pathways in your mind to enjoy relationships, you began a process of re-routing (not his word, but mine, I think) the mind to enjoy it even more.  As he put it, we are meant to live in relationships.  It is the sine qua non of our existence.  So it's not unusual that you'd want to continue expanding the ring of friendships and relationships.

I admit it.  Loneliness is awful.  But in its outright awfulness, it may be helpful in essential ways.

Over the past few months, for instance, I've journaled about feeling dislodged.  Some of these I've already posted. Some of them I haven't, but may one day.  One thing seems right to me in my published and unpublished posts, which is this:  loneliness (or the prospect thereof) is somehow related to being dislodged.

Today's Washington Post featured an article on loneliness that confirms my experience.  Featuring John Cacioppo, a neuroscientist at the University of Chicago, the article includes some noteworthy quotations and comments:

'Loneliness is an aversive state that motivates you to attend to social connections.'  Loneliness may push us to reconnect with others in ways that are often automatic and subconscious.  When we feel lonely, we may also try to get physically closer to others, which can be both physically and emotionally protective.

Of course, loneliness can also be detrimental.  "Lonely people, studies show, are more aggressive, more sleep-deprived and more likely to see unfamiliar people in a bad light, making it hard to operate in a society where we are surrounded all day by people we don't know."  I suppose it's also possible to let loneliness create unhealthy co-dependent relationships.

But in the end, I think it's important to view loneliness as a positive.  Yes, it is awful.  But yes, it is a motivator.  And sometimes an awful motivator is exactly what we need in life.

Loneliness is a biological response that's designed to help you.  -- John Cacioppo